The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
