i think i have two assholes
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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