Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
