[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
