Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
