Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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