I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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