haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
