HIV tests are more positive than that guy
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize