Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
