Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
