apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
