I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
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