my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
