i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize