my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize