birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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