Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
