Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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