i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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