I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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