Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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