I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
