the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize