I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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