Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize