I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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