All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
