Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
