my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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