I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
