Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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