Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
