Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
