wakey wakey hands off snakey
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
