i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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