So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I'm passing your future prison.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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