Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
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