do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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