omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
