i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
