Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
