I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
