Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
How naked do you want me to be?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
