The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
