Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
