we're chasing vodka with high fives
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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