Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
