u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Semen is not good for contacts.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
