so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
