The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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