My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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