Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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