i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
