i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
