I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I'm jealous of your bromance
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
