I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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