I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
