I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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