I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The struggles of a small town man whore
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
