I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
