Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
