woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I deserve this hangover.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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