I CAN MOONWALK!
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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