my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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