just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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