A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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